hawthorneox: (LiraStars)
Realized I haven't been updating here like I have been... Nothing in particular for that; I've just been sleeping a lot. Can't even really say it's been depression. I'm just... sleeping is my shut-down reaction to everything. I spend equal parts awake and asleep it seems like lately. Sleep for seven hours, up for seven hours, sleep for five hours... hopefully I'll stay awake for longer than that, but who knows.

Even now, I'm scrubbing my face and fighting yawns. Technically I've been up for three hours by now, but I slept last night. I thought it was a good sleep, but I don't know. The only thing that keeps me from saying, "Oh I'm just depressed." is that... well, I guess in the long run I still AM depressed. There are just a bunch of constant stressors that I'm fighting my damndest to ignore. If only for the sake of my own sanity.

Work being one of them, of course. The past two weeks before this, I got re-hired for seasonal help (yay - I knew I'd get my job back), but I was only getting one shift per week. And not even a full eight shift, closer to 4.5 hours, 5.5 at best. It was enough to send me sleeping for two weeks, which is where I've mostly been. This week is a nice 18 hours, so hopefully I won't have to borrow as much out of my Savings to make rent as I initially planned on. Black Friday and the holidays will make more of an impact, but the long-term worry is that (once again) I'll be dropped off the schedule come January. The store manager has told me that he wants to keep me but, until I get that permanent part-time paperwork, I'm still going to worry about what I'm doing come the first of the year.
I have been plopping out resumes, in case of aforementioned letting-go, but job hunting just brings on a whole new level of gut wrenching stress for me. Hff, searching for a job when you are working such a tenuous job in the first place is just a level of hell I want to get out of.

Which you'd think would make me all the more motivated to get my artwork out there and start actually attempting to do what I set out to do here in Atlanta, but ha ha haaaaaa..... I'm trying. The past couple of weeks I've been meeting up with Atrian to have art sleepovers, which have been super fun. We indulge in junk food, watch whatever movies catch our fancy on Netflix, and doodle. I feel my style has been stagnating as of late, so I can't really say how satisfied I am with the doodles I've been doing. It's been fun nonetheless though. Last weekend saw me experimenting with an idea I know I've seen before (just couldn't tell you where or whodunnit) and initial experiments haven't been complete failures! There are still some details to be worked out (which means lots more practice), but overall wanting to play with it has actually gotten me working again. I've also discovered the fun of sketching with colored pencils versus graphite. I have a couple of pages worth of colored sketches, then switched back to graphite at Atrian's last week, and it felt so weird to go back to pencil.
Been kicking around digital-versus-traditional again too. I thoroughly enjoy traditional work and have accepted that digital art (namely lines/coloring) are not my strong suit, but my lack of easy-access-to-a-scanner (plus digital clean-up of said artwork) makes it... not HARD, but less than motivating to work traditionally (why yes, I am admitting I like instant gratification on my artwork, gasp in shock and amazement). Whff, so many musings, so little artwork actually getting done.

Bluh, I was going to start listing off the things I need to start getting done. Been slacking off on "being an adult" the past few weeks. Again because of the sleep/depression/lethargy, but I seem to be moving along at a decent clip already. Wrote my Dad back already, plus I think I'm gonna compromise and pay my cell bill today and look over insurance stuff (rather than paying for insurance and waiting to pay my cell bill). Gonna Skype with Mom later too, hopefully. I've gotten my calendar marked back up with my various bills/work shifts, which makes me feel weirdly comforted rather than panicky. I guess it gives me a more concrete look at what I have coming up? IDK. My brain is weird.

Hffff, as much as I want to wax poetic about my artwork, I think I'm gonna save it for an entry that isn't gunked up with other RL stuff. Not that art/RL don't coexist... Some of the stuff I want to cover has no roots in how I'm feeling right now. Just a lot of observations/musings about my art over the years, plus where I'm vaguely wanting to push towards. I feel like it's worth its own post at any rate.

Before I go, have a link:

~ Worm: A Web Serial :: The overall theme for this story is "Being Taylor Is Suffering". Once you've accepted this, the rest of the tale is actually REALLY FREAKING AWESOME. I cannot say enough good things about how much this story turns super hero (and super villain) tropes right on their ear. It explores some really awesome dynamics about "real" super heroes and makes you really think about how one decision can affect a broad scope of things. Keep in mind that a) most chapters end on cliffhangers (because this is a serial; you want to keep coming back for more, right?) and b) this is a Not Nice story. Real deal shit happens. Not a happy-hugbox story. It isn't that everything is all woe and depression all the time, but... Life is rough. Good stuff happens, bad stuff happens and when you're fifteen years old, sometimes you don't make the best choices (even if they are buried in good intentions). Well worth the read though, IMO.


hawthorneox: (Default)

June 2014


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